Gladiator 2: Shocker!
Gladiator 2 advert: It’s not good.
Traducing a Memory
I think we can all agree that Gladiator was a great movie. From the opening battle scene against the Germans, to Maximus’ many gladiatorial fights, Russell Crowe’s magnetism, the atmospheric music, the masterful cinematography. And many quotable lines: ‘On my command, unleash hell!’
Gladiator 2 is none of these things.
I looked forward to this. As the internet’s pre-eminent Roman blogger (see my bona fides below), you don’t get much in the way of Roman films. But, being a tight bastard, I waited until Netflix streamed it for free. I still felt ripped off.
Since yesterday, I’ve been trying to put into words how to describe this terrible chariot-crash of a movie. Disappointing. Poor. Formulaic. Wooden. A-historic. Annoying! No, no; there’s only one word that covers this like a legionary’s cloak in winter:
Shit.
Yes; shit will do.
Accuracy? That’s for Marvel Movies.
It starts with some scene setting onscreen to cover the gap in time between the first film and the second. But reading the first sentence I was already raging at the TV debating - after just 30 seconds - whether to switch the damn thing off in disgust.
“Sixteen years after the death of Marcus Aurelius the Roman Empire is ruled by twin emperors Caracalla and Geta.” Whaaaaaaat! You mean 196 AD? Right in the middle of Septimius Severus’ reign? (“Who-he?”, The Scriptwriter)
Maybe a better story might have been to anchor the story around the ageing Septimius (famously from AFRICA dimwits - perhaps played by Denzel?) and then portray the real vicious battle-royal that took place between his sons?
The sons of Septimius Severus - there’s a proper movie hiding here within the toga of history. They weren’t twins and they actually hated each other. Hated each other so much that they divided their palace in two and only came together when Caracalla lured his brother into his mother’s apartment just to kill him in front of her. Real life is better than this Hollywood boo-hiss cartoon fantasy cosplay of Roman inequities.
And the best actor award goes to? The Monkeys
Acting. Was there any? Or just some randoms rounded up off the street and then given half an hour to learn the script with just one stage direction from Ridley Scott: ‘Overact like fuck! Bring on the rhino!’
The bloke who plays (spoiler alert) Maximus’ son had all the charisma of a shy librarian giving a talk on book binding to a half empty roomful of sleeping pensioners. His supposedly rousing speeches certainly aroused me; into shouting at the bloody TV - how the fuck did you get this gig? I could have done a few press ups for a week, cut back on my beer consumption over a weekend and I’d have made a better job portraying a gladiator than this clown.
Geta and Caracalla? What the fuck? More make up and wigs than the floor show at a trans Dolly Parton fest. Again; real life was better! These two were succeeded in a couple of years by their distant cousin from Syria who really was a bit trans - Elagabalus. If you want debauched emperors, he had it all; cross dressing, rampant homosexuality, strange Eastern cult worship. He was so bad and scandalous that his own family had him murdered and swapped out by another pale cousin pronto. And all in the same damn time period.
Lazy script writing bastards!
And Denzel? Probably thought he was in Washington DC rather than 196 AD. Much has been made of his chewing the scenery overacting. Well, at least he was acting. In this sub three hour bore-fest he was probably the only one who left any lasting impression. Like a chilli in a rice pudding; memorable but not for the right reasons. It was all a bit Training Day meets A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum.
And the Plot? Bring on the Rhino!
The story? Well, I forget. It was a pale imitation and rewrite of the original. Sequel cereal. No wonder Russell Crowe disowns this galleyful of clowns. Even the battle scene: Attacking Numidia? That was conquered hundreds of years earlier! Masinissa anyone? Jugurtha who got his butt kicked by Marius and Sulla in the late second century BC? Juba I who Caesar rolled through whilst fighting his civil war in 46BC? Numidia was conquered over 200 years before this ahistorical turkey was set. I mean if you want a quotidian battle scene, for the movie why not show the Romans whacking the Parthians? Septimius was actually fighting them in this period. Or maybe start with him chasing the Picts around Scotland? Real campaigns. No fuck that. More monkeys.
Ahhhh!
Once There Was A Dream of Rome. Oh Please!
And then there was the same ridiculous conceit as the first movie; all this ‘There was a dream of Rome once’, restore the republic nonsense. Yeah, a bloody dream in the minds of the scriptwriters who thought, a quick read of a couple pages of Mary Beard’s SPQR, add some CGI monkeys, co-mingle 46 BC with 196 AD and, fuck it!, who’s to know? Throw in that Derek Jacobi from I Claudius to add some British ‘I’m a classical ACTOR’ vibes and, Oscar - here we come!
And then there’s the sharks swimming in the Colosseum. That’s where this turkey really jumped the shark, we just needed Fonzie to water ski through the screen and then we’d have the perfect synergy of bullshit, laziness and taking the audience for fools. “Are you not entertained?”
Mmm. Maybe I’ve stumbled on what they were trying to achieve by producing this movie? It’s just one giant big piss-take?
For the Senate and People of Rochdale…
As I may have mentioned (demonstrated even), I do tend to write about Rome quite frequently. So if you want to read my other reviews of popular Roman series / books then the suggestions below are a good way to do so…
Firstly, my review of the aforementioned Mary Beard’s SPQR. The book’s a bit mmmahh, but the review’s cracking!
Acting more wooden that the Teutoburg Forest: My review of Netflix’s Barbarians.
A series I pretty much enjoyed is Sky’s Domina. You see, I’m not just a bitch. Well…
More serious. Keeping with the third century, how Septimius Severus wrecked the Roman economy and Diocletian tried to put it back together again. Inflation Roman Style.
Or just choose your own Roman articles to read. There’s plenty in my Rome Section.
