Town hall in Aachen — The crowds! The Crowds! Townhall Aachen.

History: So Difficult, yeah?

I went there twice in recent years. Why? Well, why not? Charlemagne’s capital and all that. Who he? Don’t you guys read history? Only the first Holy Roman Emperor (800/814 AD) and King of the united Franks. After his demise, and his King Lear type carve up, we got the Western Europe we know now; France to the West, Germany to the East. But this forgotten - and important - king’s capital was in… Wait for it… Aachen.

Frankly, the ‘Dark Ages’ tend to get ignored in our collective rollcall of history which slides by centuries like Instagram scrolling. Collective wisdom goes something like this: Romans or something, the Tudors, Hitler. Bit of slavery thrown in but the detail is all a bit hazy. The Holy Roman Empire? Wazzat?

But I know. I put in the hours. Accordingly, in Aachen, I did the requisite obeisance by visiting the Cathedral and the Charlemagne Museum (both, btw, are well worth visiting). It’s a compact centre and you’ll have no difficulty finding these two landmarks. Beyond these two, I found Aachen a little underwhelming.

Man on Man Action!

I stayed at the Park Hotel Quellenhof which is a very grand, fin de siècle style building just the right distance outside the medieval city centre. It’s a spa hotel and I fancied a massage. I booked myself in with the glamorous lady at the spa. How you doin’ Fräulein? I was looking forward to this one. My shoulder hurt, blah, blah. No, it really did and it’s well known that attractive females rubbing you down with oil are the best remedy.

So I came back at the appointed time - eager and only two beers down - in my shorts, hotel dressing gown and slippers only to be met by a big hairy bloke called Omar. For fuck’s sake! This is not how it’s supposed to be. He led me into a treatment room and asked me to strip off totally. In turn I asked him to fuck off.

“You not had many massages from a man?” he asked.
(Fuck off!) “No,”

What followed was a butt-clenching €100 hour of torture. I left more tense than I went in.

And that, dear readers, is my short-form anecdote about Aachen.

Aachen Top Tips

Restaurant / Bar Recommendation

Ate quite a few sausages at a fast food restaurant called Hanswurst near the cathedral which I recommend. They serve beer too. (Hansbräu). See the mirror picture above - who’s cooler, the sausage shop or Tim Robson?

Hotel

Park Hotel Quellenhof. Expensive & imposing. You feel either wealthy or an imposter here. The room I had first time—must have been flush—was an extremely large corner room with a great view. Must have been upgraded as I’m tight. I recommend this hotel but also recommend working hard to pay for it.

Attraction

Aachen is very near the Vaalserberg which is the tripoint where Germany, Belgium and the Netherlands meet. Stand on the point and take a picture. “Look, my foot is in Germany and my hand is in Belgium!” Hours of fun.

Aachen: Me, Charlemagne and Solo Travel