Spring has hit the UK! London (and Sussex) is warm and cheerful with daffs handing the baton over to bluebells before the grinning faces of Marguerites sprint down the back straight and breast the tape of summer. Girls are wearing summer dresses and I've even put away my John Lewis mac. At least for this week (though, perversely, it's now raining in London).

I was dancing around in the kitchen the other night making a curry and playing some decent tunes. When I dance, I dance. When I rock, I roll. When I cook, I dance. And so the circle turns. There is nothing new under the sun. For everything there is a season. Anyway, I was blasting out The Crystals 'Da Do Ron Ron' which is one of the best feel-good songs ever. But - sorry Phil - not great in the lyrics department. So I thought I'd do a quick article on crap lyrics, starting with:-

The Crystals - Da Do Ron Ron (1963)

"Yeah my heart stood still. Yeah, his name was Bill."

Nuff said. Great song (BTW - I think the last 20 seconds of this song, a classic anyway, when Spectre goes into overdrive, is possibly one of the finest moments of pop - ever!). Barmy lyrics though.

Cast - Sandstorm (1995) (who? Yeah, I know. Scouse group. Bass player of the La's. Briefly famous.)

If there was a list of books that will never be written 'The wit and wisdom of Cast's lyrics' must be, unlike their records, Top 3. John Power writes the shittiest lyrics. He can't see a lady without discussing how she 'walks' and, yes, this leads inevitably to a comment on how she 'talks'. Searing insight mate.

The true awfulness of his lyrics come in the following double couplet with a happy ending:-

Let me take you by the hand
Try to understand, walk me to a land, try to understand
I ain't nothing but a man

Neil Diamond - I Am, I Said (1971)

As is well known, I am Neil's biggest fan. The moody man in black of the 60's, to the long hair denim Live At the Greek incarnation through his later years as Mr Sparkly Shirt... He's my guy. So this one hurts.

I Am, I Said is one of my favourite songs. About his sense of disenchantment at the false promise of fame, his relocation from New York to LA, his disintegrating marriage; this is the ultimate facing yourself in the mirror and telling it as it is song. The lyrics are actually very good, but Neil drops the world's biggest clanger in the chorus:-

I am I said, to no one there // And no-one heard, not even the chair.

Not known for their listening skills chairs, usually Neil. I can't defend this lazy writing.

Rhythm is a Dancer - Snap! (1992)

This one is suggested my good friend and ex-colleague Glenna. I actually quite like the lyric for its ridiculousness and Euro-babble nonsense. It's hard-hitting, uncompromising and plainly daft.

"I'm as serious as cancer when I say rhythm is a dancer"

Yeah, mate. Did Goethe or Hegel write that, first? Bollox it may be but, it can't be denied, it's a great dance tune.

Billy Bragg / Kirsty McColl - New England (1983/4)

I was 21 years when I wrote this song // I'm 22 now but I won't be for long.

Huh? They're good lyrics, surely Tim? Yes, actually they are, I agree. But compare and contrast to Simon and Garfunkel's 'Leaves That Are Green' from 1965:-

I was 21 years when I wrote this song // I'm 22 now but I won't be for long.

Eh? How's that happen? Pure laziness and, er, theft. It's not as though Billy's usually crap at lyrics (even if his politics are shit). Even New England has some of the sharpest lines from a pop song ever. Poor, very poor. But I do have a good idea for the opening of this novel I'm writing:-

"It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife."

Sounds good, yeah?

And now, as I have to complete a new short story inspired partially by the literary conceit adopted by Thomas Hardy in The Well Beloved, I must leave you.

From Battersea, good night

Tim