I have this gift. When I hear some words or phrases my brain simultaneously translates them into what linguists call Tim's English. Tim's English is a strange variation from Common English in that the main differences are not driven by dialect but by meaning. Let me give you some examples to explain what I mean:-

English Tim's English

Tim's English . Solipsistic bullshit. Made up bollocks to amuse the writer of self referential blogs.

Barista. Wanker who serves coffee (I hate coffee shops - do you know that?)

Jeremy Corbyn. Albert Steptoe

We welcome diversity. Apart from diversity of thought.

Striking to protect public safety. Bullshit.

Women don't worry about such things. Lies

I'm only thinking of the children. And a holiday in the sun.

Trump's not my president. Whiney baby loses dummy

Hard Brexit. Leave the EU as mandated in the UK Referendum 23rd June

Franco's Fiesta. Rejected manuscript

Austerity. Smaller than trend increases in government spend. Doubling of the National Debt

"The people in Battersea Arts Centre would really enjoy your blog Tim." - Balls meet knife.

Green Energy. Tax on the poor and old to give rich lefties bragging rights

Facebook Friends. Annoying wankers you used to know but accepted their friend request one night when you were pissed. Surreptitiously blocked later when sober.

"I've only had two glasses of wine." Two plus two...

"You're really funny Tim!" I prefer my men tall and boring.

Aid Superpower. Country where help for the poor or elderly or infirm is rationed so rich politicians can feel good about themselves spending other people's money on ridiculous vanity projects overseas.

"It's your round" What, again?

Racist Someone who disagrees with the (left-wing) speaker. Used to close down debate and legitimise subsequent unreasonable behaviour (see reaction to Brexit or Trump)

Tories Socialists who went to public school or grammar schools (before they closed them down). Social mobility? Ladders? Move on, nothing to see here.

"I only started writing last year." Liar

BBC / C4 Comedy Panel Show Unfunny left-wing shit

Edgy Comedy Unfunny left wing shit

Tim's Blog Funny, balanced and penetrating analysis

Funny, balance, penetrating analysis Bullshit