The Children of Septimius Severus
Septimius with Caracalla and Geta
A somewhat pretentious title, no?
That's deliberate.
Today I start a new feature where I actually start to publish my own fiction. Yes, it's free to read. It's like I drank from the socialist Kool-Aid or something. Get it whilst it's lukewarm.
The Children of Septimius Severus is an especial favourite of mine. As well as sending up myself, it takes the piss out the whole self-publishing, literary agents/gatekeepers scene. I've moved on from this now, I hope.
Mostly though, I hope you find it funny. I aspire to literary greatness but, like with most things, I'd settle for just being funny. Just however is a very BIG word.
Let me know what you think!
Story published in Artificium
Here is the link to Artificium where my story 'The £20 Note' is published.
The Boogie of Victory!!!
Tim showing mild pleasure at the arrival of his new book.
Returned home, brow sweated and furrowed from life, work, romantic entanglements (oh yeah!), to find a package on my doormat.
Yes, the latest Tim Robson book - Artificium 2 - has hit the stands of Amazon. My author copies just arrived. My story - The £20 Note - is, I modestly assert - me at my best. Brutal, honest and yet literate. It is what I am; assertion masking insecurity masking an irreducible core. My successes don't happen by error. I know that now. One day my kids will be proud of me!
Until then, I'll have to do the job myself!!!
Well done Tim.
Tim
My book comes out on...
Otherwise known as - a Story by Tim Robson and a bunch of other people.
The good people at Almond Press tell me that Apocalypse Tales will be out on 31st March in both Kindle and paperback formats. Originally titled 'A Veneer of Civilisation by Tim Robson with some other stories by a bunch of randoms' I persuaded Almond to let the book be a celebration of those other writers too. No point me crowding out all the publicity and hype from the other guys whose stories I'm sure will be popular with my fans too. Hence, Apocalypse Tales.
You can view it on Amazon here...
As the time comes towards publication, I'll be interviewing myself as I am, it is said, the only person who is my own equal.
Yeah.
Blogposts to come in March:
1) Interview with myself about the publication of A Veneer of Conversation.
2) An article exploring the pop goddesses that come out of Canada.
3) Why Brexit is the only solution for June 23rd.
4) When Nelson met Wellington. Sept 12th 1805.
5) A new series on living architecture. How we live amongst the past and yet ignore it or, worst, just don't see it.
A fun-packed month of literary highs, then. But when I'll get to write these, I don't know. My New Year's motto of never saying no to a social engagement is really kicking in now. I have four events to attend this week. That's about double the entire back half of 2015!
And the book comes out too.
Cheers
Tim
A Veneer of Success!
Do you remember my blogpost about how to write Dystopian Fiction? (July 12th) It was one of most viewed blogs (right up there with my thoughts on Autumn and how to cook beef ragu). Anyway, my thoughts must have meant something because the short story I submitted - A Veneer of Civilisation - has been placed and will be published in an anthology of like-minded stories next year.
Read all about it here.
I'm getting regularly placed in competitions now. You should see what I'm working on at the moment! Sure-fire winners...
And there's a Xmas treat for this blog coming up next week!
Laters
Tim
What's In A Name?
I've been writing short stories. Profound, aching, searching for empathetic truisms short stories. The sort that make brave men cry and women smile that there are males who so understand the human condition.
Puppies weep, kittens frolic and I hit the 'bollocks' button by mistake.
Anyway - titles. Here are some I've been using recently.
- The Song of Vivien
- The Twenty-Pound Note
- In Between Days
- The Four Twelves
I debated calling one Karen Carpenter's Last Meal but decided against it as it was offensive and I'm a closet Carpenters fan (Goodbye to Love has to be best power ballad, ever).
Whether these will be the Wuthering Heights, Trumpet Major, Old Geriot of the later 21st Century I'll leave for posterity to decide. Personally though, my writing has now reached heights unknown since I drunkenly penned a Martin Amis parody in 1993 and won £500 quid for my troubles. A future blogpost perhaps? Maybe. My public need to understand I wasn't always pressed against the glass watching the dance from without.
Off to buy some cat litter bags.
Tim
* Do you like the photo of a younger Tim, buff and hirsute, standing next to Oscar Wilde's tomb in Paris?
Number 11 is better than Number 1
Someone asked me what my writing strategy is the other day. "Scattergun," was my response.
However, I have been entering short story competitions fairly regularly. Usually I enter the day before the deadline and frantically push myself to knock stories into shape (usually editing down). I find the pressure concentrates the mind and sharpens the pen.
I'm pleased to say my (excellent) story 'In Between Days' was placed in the top 32 of the 'To Hull and Back' competition. Added to this I was in the Top 11 of the Ifanca Helene James Short Story Competition.
Obviously winning is an over-rated concept, man! Top 32 - it doesn't get better than that!
More news from the literary front line soon. Has anyone bought my book recently? I hear it's really cheap these days! Christmas is coming. Just saying'.
Cheers
Tim
* The ruined gatehouse at Bramber Castle subtly suggests a more honest aspiration.
How to write Dystopian Fiction
I'm published in this book. Hero. Such a hero.
File under 'Random'.
In my quest for world domination of writing contests, I recently entered a competition whose theme was the end of the world. It was run by some online dystopian website.
I'll try my hand at anything - even a genre populated by adolescent boys and nerdy men (my people, my people!). All writing ultimately is good writing as the mere process improves your technique and destroys the blank page. So I entered. Having knocked out 4000 words, here is my guide on how to write Dystopian fiction:
1) Dystopian is basically a long word that tries to hide its sci-fi origins. Think Star Wars where the evil Empire wins. And it's cold and bleak and everyone dies a rat infested and lonely death.
2) Chuck in some cod philosophy. It may be gobbledegook and intellectually incoherent but don't worry about that. For example, here's one I've been working on:
"Like all misanthropes, Tim was exceedingly good company."
3) Forget morality. In some dystopian future, all people are essentially amoral. Clearly genre convention dictates that as mankind heads towards its doom, morality will go the way of my C90 home mix tapes from the 90's. Yes, into the bin.
4) Shove in a bit of sex. Hey! Your target readership is adolescent boys and nerdy men after all.
5) Like every self-authored teenage story, all endings should be a variant of "And then I went to bed and the universe blew up." (*see below)
6) For extra credibility, write a blog post slagging off the genre. Man, that's just like so subversive. Yep - that's me, a rule bending, guitar wielding, couplet writing, ex financial services professional with a specialism in payment systems technology. Hi ladies!
7) There is no seven. (Christ, that joke never gets old).
8) Lists are lame; the refuge of a bad writer using an artificial structure to cohere random thoughts in place of a good writing style.
Well, I hope that helps. I'll let you know if I win. I probably get a free black T-Shirt with some heavy rock band's logo emblazoned on the front as my prize. I wonder if it will go with pressed chinos and shiny purple shoes? Hope so.
Laters
Tim
* @Tim Robson circa 1983.
Short Stories
I've been entering competitions recently. What's interesting is that many of them have a rule that a submitted entry cannot have been published anywhere before. This even includes (vanity) websites like my own. This has meant that, sadly, some of my better efforts are ineligible under those rules. Which means that I've had to go out and write new stories. Or adapt old ones. Which is fine, of course. It's always good to have a deadline and to meet a word count.
But the ramification is that I'm more reticent that ever about publishing my work here on my website as technically, that would mean the story is barred from competitions.
It's a shame. But on the bright side: When I win I'll post them up here. And I guess when they lose, too!
Cheers
Tim
Word of the day : Ennui
My story is much too sad to be told,
But practically ev'rything leaves me totally cold.
The only exception I know is the case
Where I'm out on a quiet spree
Fighting vainly the old ennui
And I suddenly turn and see
Your fabulous face.
(I get a kick out of you, Cole Porter)
Ah, our good friend Ol' King Cole could pen a good lyric, yes? I've decided to use 'ennui' more often. Popularise it, as it were, through the many and robust channels where my writing goes these days.
'Ennui' (pronounced On-wee) is the state of being listless, bored, unable or uninterested to raise your game anymore. Who amongst us hasn't felt that emotion?
My short story 'Yes/No' is basically a 2000 word exploration of this feeling. So much so that, when I came to re-edit it recently, I added the following couple of sentences:-
"My weary conscience has abdicated all authority; any restraint now lies tenuously with failing expectations and late night ennui. We are all fallen; we control only the manner of our descent."
Now I admit those lines won't make my next stand-up gig, but as an exploration of a compromised but sentient soul, they work pretty well.
Ennui, it's gonna be big in 2015. You mark (or use) my words!
Laters, potatas
Tim
'Yes or No' Short Story tops UK's premier peer reviewed site
March ended with my short story Yes or No topping YouWriteOn's peer reviewed chart. My story was rated highest amongst all the stories on the website which allows authors to submit pieces of work for review by fellow writers. YouWriteOn is generally acknowleged to be the premier site for peer review in the the UK. I certainly (now) think so!
To celebrate I'm going to meet my fan-base down in Brighton this weekend. Look out for me in The Basket Makers or Hotel du Vin. I'll probably be surrounded by groupies and hangers-on but if you're patient I'm sure my pint will need refilling at some point!
Hope to see you there.
Cheers
Tim
New Writings
My quietness on the website recently could be an indication of inactivity. It's a theory and a good one. But it's also not true.
I've been writing three new short stories, alternating between them, trying out new ideas, plot lines and, for one, cooking Spanish recipes.
Yes - in order to write a story ostensibly about cooking, I've been buying Spanish ingredients and making a delicious mixture of food from that country. Catalan Cannelloni, lemon chicken with white wine, serrano ham and onions; chickpeas with chorizo and spinach. And sherry (iced dry fino) which always helps. Even when I'm not writing. This drink also turns up a lot in Franco's Fiesta. Funny that.
Anyway, once my broadband problems mentioned in the post below are fixed - tomorrow apparently - I'll be posting new material.
Welcome also to everyone in Brighton who, unwittingly perhaps, became part of my never ending author tour on Friday night.
Cheers, Tim